Tulips. Two Lips. Fickle Lips.

It's Spring and the tulips are popping up all over the city.  Usually March in New York is still very, very cold.  And the past two Winters I've been here there have still been layers and layers of frozen snow and ice, and an April snow isn't out of the ordinary.  However, true to our very mild and warm Winter, this Spring came on quite early (as is happening all over the country, so I'm sure you're pickin' up what I'm puttin' down).  We've already had days in the mid-70's and I've already rocked my jorts on a couple of occasions.  Point being, I LOVE SPRING.  It's so hard not to feel optimistic and happy in Spring.  The world just seems brighter and full of possibilities!  Summer is ahead, and I start looking towards days in Central Park, or taking the train out to the beach.  But Spring is also very fickle.  Like I said, it's already gotten up to the 70's, but then one day earlier this week it was down in the 20's.  I just wish Spring would stick!

And I had a realization this week, as I saw all the tulips from the window of the M79 crosstown bus.  Tulips make me angry.  I resent them.  Every year they pop up, sometimes forcing their way through snow drifts, and I think what my mother always said:  "Oh boy!  Tulips!  The promise of Spring!"  And then they sit there, all brightly colored and snarky amongst the snow... holding their heads high through the 20 degree weather.  Mocking me.  Laughing in my face.  But this year is different.  This year, when I realized they made me angry I decided to write about it.  And now, I can't help but smile at all the beautiful tulips.  And yesterday I bought myself some beautiful yellow tulips to brighten my apartment.  Because Spring HAS Sprung!  Next up, though... is April.  Those darn April showers.  April showers bring May flowers.  And we all know May flowers bring pilgrims.

You Don't Have to Feed a Ukelele

This has been a most exciting week for me.  For several reasons... but I'm going to tell you about one of them.  I decided last week that I was going to get a Betta fish.  This was brought on by my friend who I dearly love who was talking about her Betta, and her special relationship with it... and last week I was feeling a little lonely.  So... I thought, "Well, self.  You can't possibly handle a dog at this juncture in your life.  And you've killed so many cacti already... so... a fish sounds like the next logical step."  My friend assured me that they are very easy to take care of and very hard to kill.  My perfect combo.

So I did some research.  Being a vegetarian and caring about animals, I feel like if /I'm going to have a pet, it should lead a most wonderful life.  And I want to take care of it properly.  So I turned to old reliable: the internet.  After googling Betta fish, I soon discovered they are NOT as easy as one is led to believe.  They require at least 2 gallons of water, special stuff to make sure the tap water is not toxic (I once killed several fish by putting them in tap water... I will NOT make the same mistake twice), and a special light to keep the water at the right temperature.  Also... they can apparently suffer from depression and commit suicide by jumping out of their tanks.  What!? I quickly realized this was more work than I was willing to put into a pet.  And money.  Granted, the fish itself costs about $3.  The aquarium?  For the level of aquarium I would want for my fishy: minimum $50.  Sure.  cheaper than a dog... but a lot more expensive than I want to spend on something that will PROBABLY end up flushed down my toilet.

Fast forward a couple of days to a meeting I had with a fellow actor who is also working on a one woman show.  Her's is cabaret style and will feature songs from musicals.  I brought up that I was interested in writing a few original songs for mine... and that I imagine myself strumming a guitar.  Now, I don't own a guitar.  I've never played a stringed instrument in my life  My Opa started to teach guitar before he passed away... but... when he passed, so did my desire to play.  But suddenly I just wanted to play the guitar.  It felt right.

So I went to the other old reliable, Facebook, and posted a status that I wanted to learn to play the guitar.  A friend out in LA immediately responded that she has a friend in Brooklyn that teaches.  After a few emails back and forth between this girl, in which I told her my reasons for wanting to play, she encouraged me to consider the ukelele.  It's cheaper, easier, and will fulfill my needs quite satisfactorily.

Two days later I was in the Guitar Center in Union Square picking out my ukelele.  And y'all.  I'm in love.  I named him "Betta"... because he's my new pet.  And he is so fun to play!  I have that feeling... you know that feeling when you first start dating someone.  Or you tell someone you love them for the first time?  That giddy little bubbly feeling?  And all you want to do is spend time with that person?  Even if you're just doing nothing together.  Yeah.  Well, that's how I feel about my ukelele.  I'm in love with it.  I haven't had a lesson yet, but I found some websites that teach you chords... and my friend, The Girl in the Yellow Hat (who helped me pick out my ukelele), taught me the intro to Ingrid Michaelson's "You and I" which is just 3 chords.... and... I've been goin' to town!  I can feel blisters developing on my fingers from pressing on the strings, and I can't wait until they're well formed and I have ukelele fingers! Also... the dexterity.  I feel like my fingers are so FAT AND HUGE.  The strings and frets are so close and tiny...

I wanted to document my ukelele skills as they progress, so here's a little video of me at my current level.  I want to be able to play "Rainbow Connection" by the end of the month (to clarify I mean April, not March)... I have a long way to go.

When is a raven like a writing desk?

“Believe as you believe the floor will hold you up, the chair will let you sit.” Natalie Goldberg

I have had a very challenging week.  Challenging is, of course, relative.  I haven’t faced starvation or struggled with the death of a loved one.  I haven’t looked into the face of evil or been possessed by the anti-Christ (this is a constant fear of mine).  And yet, compared to other weeks in my life… this has been a little bit more on the challenging side.  I find that weeks like this are the ones I value more, though, than the super amazing happy go lucky ones.  Now that I have a more optimistic outlook on life, I realize that these challenging times are when life truths surface:  who you can trust, who really loves you, what you really care about, etc.  

When I’m faced with challenges—little hiccoughs along the way that make me second guess my direction, I find that writing a letter to the Universe is a useful tool.  It’s similar to prayer, but ends up being an amazing way to get in touch with your inner, wiser self.  I’m sure you realize that if you write a letter to the Universe, you can’t really expect the Universe to write one back to you.  So instead, you write a letter back to yourself as though YOU are the Universe.  And it’s amazing how gosh darn wise you can be when you pretend to be all knowing.  Well, I wrote the Universe a letter.  I wrote myself a super wise answer.  I asked for a sign.  And you know what?  I didn’t listen to myself.  And when the Universe gave me a HUGE ASS SIGN, I chose to ignore it.  Der.

I picked up a book yesterday called “Writing Down the Bones:  Freeing the Writer Within” by Natalie Goldberg.  I bought it because I am currently in the process of writing my one woman show.  I have never really considered myself a writer, but now that I feel called to write this show, I’ve decided to embrace that I am competent enough to write.  But I wanted some advice.  Some… guidance.  And this book is amazing.  I would actually recommend it to anyone—whether or not they are interested in becoming a writer.  It’s full of amazing little tidbits. And it doesn’t hurt that Natalie is a total yogi… which I find I’m well on my way to becoming, as well.  I feel like I become more “hippy dippy” every day.  And I love it!

So, back to my challenging week.  My heart hurts this week.  My confidence in my career choice is once again wilting.   And then, as if the Universe really could hear my resolve weakening, it put me in the aisle at the book store to see Ms. Goldberg’s book.  And today, as I’ve sat at an audition for 7 hours waiting to be seen, I’ve poured over the pages.  And as each hour ticked by, I began to get annoyed.  There was so much more I could have done today!  But then I realized that my day hasn’t been wasted.  Because sitting here for 7 hours has given me no other choice than to read and read… and read.  I’ll repeat Ms. Goldberg’s quote:

“Believe as you believe the floor will hold you up, the chair will let you sit.”

With those words... written in 1986 (when I was a mere babe), Natalie just… struck a chord with me.  Believing is so important.  I am not going to pursue anything anymore that I don’t believe in 100%.  And I am going to believe 100% in my instincts.  Because they haven’t failed me yet.  The only thing that has failed me is when I don’t listen to my instincts.  When I try to mold the world to fit my desires.  And that works… to a certain extent.  But… I truly believe that I have to follow my path.  And so long as I’m following that path, good things will come.

Just like I believe, with each step I take, the floor will be there to hold me up, and that every time I want to rest my weary bones, the chair I sit  in will be there, I want to believe that I am an artist.  I was born an artist.  And THAT is who I have to love.  My SELF.  Not a stupid man (though I’m certain that once I fully love myself and am well along my path, a NOT stupid man will appear).    And I can’t deny that I was  born an artist.  First I was a drawer/painter.  I was then a poet.  Then a musician.  Then a dancer.  Then a drawer/painter again.  Then an actor.  Now a writer.  I've always worn an artists hat... maybe different styles.... but there's always been one on my head.  I'm an artist.  It is undeniable.  And, if I truly believe that about myself, I think I will stay on track.  

And I think this applies to anyone.  In all walks of life.  We all wear different hats, but in the end, they're all hats.  And we ALL have to believe in ourselves.  I know, I know.  We've heard that since we exited the womb.  "Believe in yourself!  You can be anything you want to be!  Follow your dreams!"  Life just gets us so jaded and bitter that I find.... we all need a little reminding, now and then.

Update:  I ended up getting seen!  After 8 hours of waiting, I was the 130^th person they saw. (Even though I was 9th in line... figure out that logic.  Thanks unions!)   But you know what?  It was worth the wait--it was the BEST audition I’ve ever had.  In my life.  Good things come to those who wait.

Lava Lamp On

My brain is like a big swirly whirly lava lamp of ideas right now.  I have so many projects I want to work on, and while that is amazing, I'm TERRIFIED.  I'm writing my own one woman show.  Still working on that web series.  I want to do a travel/food blog/web show.  I am starting work on a show with a friend.  AND THE CONSTANT WORK OF BECOMING A WORKING ACTOR IN NYC.

Phew.  Wow.  Actually typing it all out like that makes it seem like a lot less... and that's why I've become obsessed with lists and spreadsheets and charts and journaling these days.  Seriously.  My computer has become overwhelmed with files with names like:  Master Project List, One Year Goals, Budget, Vision Board, Actions... etc. etc. etc.

So why am I telling you this?  I DON'T KNOW.  Word vomit?  I mean... I guess it's because I feel that I may actually be kind of balanced right now... especially in comparison to past me... and I've learned that one of the secrets of my personal success is sharing what I'm working on and having the knowledge that it's out there in the world hold me ACCOUNTABLE.

So here you go, world, I'm sharing what I'm doing!

I've started writing my own one woman show.  I don't really know what it's going to be yet.  But I'm writing.  Ideas just pop into my head and I write them down and I'm HOPING that eventually it will all start to make sense.  I'm sure that anyone who is a writer would scoff at this, especially anyone who has taken any writing classes (I have NOT), but I'm trying.  And I do want to get into a writing class.  It's on my list of Actions toward achieving this end.... on my Master Project List.  So it's a kind of terrifying and daunting monster.  But sort of a fun roller coaster at the same time.

I also saw a casting alert for a new food and travel show.  They were looking for a host.  I have often thought in the past that I would LOVE to be the host of a travel show. I LOVE TO TRAVEL.  So I submitted myself for consideration.  Why the heck not, right?  One of the submission criteria was to write a short blip about why you would be a good host.  What do you bring to the table that isn't already on tv.  Well, as you all know, I try very hard to eat a gluten and dairy free diet.  And I'm a vegetarian.  This has opened my palate up to a whole new world of foods I would have NEVER explored.  And I often think about traveling... like, if I go to visit my sister in Germany... what in the world will I eat?  SO.  I submitted myself for consideration which is fine and dandy, but I didn't follow through because they wanted me to send them links to a food blog if I had one and make a 10 minute mini episode of me being a host of a travel/food show and I had two days and no time and didn't feel like putting all of that work into it... BUT.  It sparked the idea that I'm super excited about.  My sister is moving to Germany.  I want to go visit her.  How can I justify going to visit her in Germany for 3 weeks and leaving NYC and my job and all?  BY MAKING IT A WORKING TRIP AS WELL.  So I'm planning on starting a food blog.  Recipes.  Trying new restaurants in NYC and other cities I travel to.  And when I go to Europe, make a show about traveling abroad as a gluten and dairy free vegetarian.

Done.  There.  It's out there.  Now I gotta get my little hiney in gear and DO IT.