When the Student is Ready...

Hey y'all!! Happy New Year! (a month late...) 

Happy Ground Hog Day!! (more appropriate)  That darned lil ground hog saw his shadow.  Or didn't. Whichever one means 6 weeks of more Winter.  Though... this Winter has been so mild that I can't complain.  Not at all. But who cares, really?  Talking about the weather is so boring.  It's what you talk about when you have nothing else to talk about.  (Admittedly, it gets me through a lot of conversations.)

Oh man, guys. I've had a lot of caffeine today, so I apologize if as you read this you start thinking, "man, this blog is nonsensical/crazy/what is she TALKING ABOUT???"  I'm already thinking that.  But bear with me.  I have a lot of things in my head.  A LOT.

I started this blog 6 months ago because I felt lost.  I WAS lost.  (Which is why I felt that way.)  So, if you'll remember, I thought, hey, why not start a quest like Frodo... granted, mine was a self imposed quest for balance while his quest was thrust upon him to destroy ultimate evil... but lets not split hairs.  For me, it has been an epic quest.  I had no idea that that tiny idea was going to flourish into what it has.  This little blog has saved me.  No, I didn't blog a lot during this journey (woops), but the fragment of an idea that it represents is what saved me.

I have never really understood that age old saying: "When the student is ready, the teacher appears" (or something like that... from Karate Kid... or something.)  NOW I do.  And y'all, this student is FINALLY ready (bout time, right?) and all kinds of teachers are appearing.

A couple of months ago I was on the phone SOBBING to my mother that I had lost all hope.  And  I really thought I had.  I have never felt that way before... it was like... I had to make myself an empty vessel... just completely hit rock bottom so that I could truly appreciate what was coming my way.  I almost don't want to revisit that day in my mind, because it was like everything that I believed in died.  But that day is done.  I do believe.  I believe there is love in the world meant just for me.  I believe that I have something special to do.  AND I AM BACK ON TRACK TO FINDING IT.

It's so hard when you're in that dark place to ever imagine being hopeful, happy, or alive... ever again.  And it's taken a LOT of work to get back to myself.  The positive girl who almost always smiles... who inspires other people to smile... who smiles to strangers on the street and says "bless you" when someone sneezes.  Who truly believes that there is good in everyone, and she can find it!  The girl who knows what she wants and GETS IT.  The girl who says she's gonna do something and then DOES IT.  I lost her.  And I'm willing to bet that hard days will hit me again, and she may start to stray... but I refuse to lose her ever again.  And I won't.  Know how I know that?  A few reasons.

1) I'm writing this blog to remind me. 
2)  In singing, acting, drawing, dancing, cooking, swimming, skateboarding, quilting, kayaking... ANYTHING IN LIFE... there is a technique.  A way of approaching the skill that makes it easy and something that you can call upon at any time.  And guess what?  I learned the technique to being happy!  It's a SKILL, and, just like any other skill, some people are born with it.  I definitely was.  Others have to try very hard to learn a skill, if they are passionate enough to want it.  I was lucky enough to be born with it and then raised in a home where I was blessed enough not to have to WORK to maintain that happiness. But life is hard.  And it throws you curve balls.  If it didn't, you wouldn't appreciate the good times.  So when I was thrown hard times... I literally had no idea how to deal.  But I'm taking an online course right now that's called:  "Magical Manifesters: Find your gold.  Create the Blueprint.  Make it Happen.  A digital course for creative individuals."  It might sound hokey to you... but it has literally given me the tools to maintain my positive outlook on life.  And I am so very grateful.  And I am still learning.

So one of my goals with this course is to write a blog once a week.  So... there.  It's out there.  I'm gonna do it!  And share with you this journey.  Because it is blowing my mind.

Deck the Halls (Not the JERKS)

Man.  How did I function on a daily basis before I went to yoga?

I feel like I am constantly barraged by the stupidest people in NYC.  Probably that's because I work in a bar.  Thanks to my yoga practice, I'm much more capable of handling it these days--my blood pressure doesn't boil quite as high, and I manage to smile at people instead of cursing at them or making rude hand gestures behind their backs.  I know it's sad that that feels like an accomplishment... but  this city has a way of making the nicest person become a foul mouthed, rage-filled, JERK.

I'm proud to say that 9 times out of 10, I return people's rudeness with a smile.  Still working on that last one... to make it a 10/10.

However... it's CHRISTMAS!  And what is Christmas if not a time to write a letter to dear Santa Claus?  (Side bar:  SantaCon.  I don't know if you've heard of it, but it's a day when people dress like Santa/Snowmen/Elves/Penguins/Christmas presents/anything else imaginable and then pub crawl all over NYC--starting as early as 8 am--I worked the evening of SantaCon at my bar.  I have never seen so many drunk, inappropriate, handsy, frat-tastic, and STUPID Santas in one room.  I am not addressing this letter to any of those Santas.  Should it get intercepted in the webosphere by one of THOSE Santas, please send it to the North Pole.  Where the real Santa is.  Thank you.)

Dear Santa,

I haven't been a very good girl this year.  But it wasn't my fault.  I tried really hard to be a very good girl, but it took me a long time to figure my life out.  I made some mistakes, but I think I paid for them... and I've changed my ways and become a much more whole person.  I'm ending the year as a VERY good girl who has matured a heck of a lot and figured some big stuff out.  For that reason, I hope you've removed me from the "naughty" list, and put me on the "nice" list. Also... I only have a few requests this year for Christmas... but they might be rather hefty.  I hope you can deliver.

1.  PLEASE LET THE WEATHER BE CONDUCIVE FOR FLYING ON CHRISTMAS EVE, DECEMBER 28, AND JANUARY 1ST.  If any of my flights are missed/delayed... my entire holiday will be ruined.  I'm so scared that there will be some crazy blizzard on Christmas Eve that will make me miss Christmas at home.  My connecting flight is through Chicago... the weather be crazy there.  Please don't be crazy.  And then, on the 28th I'm flying through Atlanta to St. Louis to get to my friend's wedding.  PLEASE DON'T HAVE FREAK WEIRD WEATHER IN ATLANTA.  Then on January 1st I fly back to NY--it's a direct flight... but PLEASE DON'T HAVE A FREAK WEIRD BLIZZARD IN NYC (though I guess that wouldn't really be very weird, it would be appropriate... but I still don't want it).  I have a very important audition on January 2nd that I DO NOT WANT TO MISS.  So please get your weather elves on that one.

2.  Please get me some representation.  I know this might take some time, so I don't expect it to be underneath my Christmas tree... but I've set a goal for 2012 to have representation by May.  That will be nearly a year after I first began seeking representation... and I think a good goal.  It's so frustrating to see agents working with people I know I am just as talented as, but also knowing that I'm not very commercially appealing for representation.  There are a million blonde, cute, girl next door types out there... I just have to work harder to prove that I am marketable and worth them representing.  So, dear Santa, can you PLEASE send an agent or agents to my showcase that would be interested in representing me?  It would make the whole process a whole lot easier.

3.  It's almost time to renew my lease.  I really don't want my rent to be raised... so it would be really fantastic if you could send a little elf to Fran, my landlord (of the meow mix "meow meow meow meow" campaign), to negotiate my lease renewal.  If she raises my rent... well.. I'll have to resign, because moving would probably cost as much as the raise in the rent... but... I'd really rather not have to pay any more per month.

I think that's all... as I grow up, I desire less and less presents on Christmas (side bar:  I still love presents, so ya know, take that with a grain of salt) and spend more time looking forward to the traditions of Christmas.  And especially just being with my family.  I'm really excited to see my two big sisters this year, and so happy that I'm blessed enough to be able to take time off work to travel and spend time with loved ones. 

However... I really would love a Kindle Fire...

Balance Check-In

So, I started this little blog about 3 months ago.  I set a list of goals for myself, and I feel like the time has come to check in and see how I'm doing on those goals.

1)  Create a schedule for myself.

• I don't know that I have a rigid schedule for myself, and things do vary week by week depending on how much I'm working at my bar... but I think I've done a pretty good job of giving myself some sort of accountability for my time.  I go to yoga at least 4 times a week, sometimes 7.  Wednesdays I have my theatre company meetings, Thursdays my monologue class, and the other days of the week are spent with yoga in the morning, a break to do "acting homework", and then heading to my bar job.  I still waste time... but I've gotten so much better about actively pursuing life.

2)  30 Day Yoga challenge

• Yep.  did that.  Unfortunately, I didn't keep up my running.  Actually, it's not unfortunate.  It was a very deliberate choice.  Running is REALLY bad for your joints, and I feel that with yoga I am getting an adequate work out.  Sure, when the NYC Marathon happened last week, I felt a little twinge of sadness in knowing I will never run it... but... I did a 3K and that was cool.  Now I'm on the yoga train!

3)  Project Get and Agent

• This is still in the works.  However, I've learned a LOT about the business end of acting, and feel like I am definitely on the right track.  I've met producers, casting directors, and agents, all of whom were lovely people who didn't bite my head off.  Sure, I don't have an agent yet... but that's ok.  I will.  And I'm very proud of the work I've done.  Since I started this blog, I've been cast in and performed in 2 shows, one of which was Off-Broadway.  No, I'm not where I thought I would be when I was 26 years old.  But... at least I'm not barefoot in a trailer, pregnant with a good for nothing husband.  (Because that's the only alternative.)

So... on checking in... I'm very proud of how far I've come.  It's still a struggle every day to get out of bed... some days way easier than others... but I am happy with how my life has progressed.  However, I think it's time to set some new goals.  Because I do feel I've gotten a little complacent, and we can't have that!  I have to keep moving forward.

1)  Resume classes at UCB

• I took Improv 101 at UCB over a year ago, and it was amazing.  It helped me figure out that I don't want to do musical theatre.  It pushed me to realize that I love doing comedy and straight theatre.  My goal for  2012 is to complete all 4 levels.

2)  Being production on my web series

• I met a girl at an audition for Steel Magnolias, and though I did not get cast, I am so grateful that I went to that audition.  She's such a cool person, and we have begun collaborating on a web series together.  We wrote the pilot.  We are figuring it out as we go along.  It is going to be a stressful disaster, but I hope that at the end of the stressful disaster, we have something we're really proud of.

3)  Travel somewhere cool

• I love to travel.  And... I never do it.  Sure, I go home to visit friends and family... but the last time I went on a destination vacation, it was Orlando, FL.  I live so close to so many cool things... and I never ever see them.  Prince Edward Island.  Salem.  Concord.  Boston.  Washington D.C., Niagra Falls.... etc.  So that really needs to happen.  Getting out of NYC is good for the heart and soul, and DEFINITELY helps one maintain a sense of balance.

So... onward and forward!  And hopefully not like that little baby elephant in Planet Earth who gets seperated from his mom and then ends up following their tracks in the wrong direction.  That makes me SO sad.

Eastern Medicine

I've done it!  I've realized that I have achieved so many of my childhood goals!  I just should have been a bit more specific...

Growing up, I wanted to be a starving artist.  I thought the idea sounded so romantical.  I imagined myself eating soup in a cold apartment surrounded by my art, and probably not receiving any critical acclaim until I was dead and buried... like Van Gogh and Monet and all the great painters.  Doesn't that just sound SO romantic?  Woops.  Be careful what you wish for!

I always wanted to live in a brownstone... and now I do!  It just happens to be in the middle of Harlem...

I never wanted an office job, to be a teacher, to have any sort of "real" job... all I ever wanted was to be an artist.  I tried coming up with ways I could be an artist and make money... like interior design.  But ick.  I hated that. 

So I've been thinking a lot recently about happiness and what I need to do to feel rooted in life.  Would a 9-5 job do that?  I think it would bring me comfort and a sense of stability... but I think I would be giving up on my dreams.  And since I've already achieved them (in a sense) I think I owe it to myself to see where they end up.  Maybe they will end up in comfort and a sense of stability... I just have to wait a little longer.

And for that, I am so grateful for Eastern Medicine.  Western medicine sucks.  If you're sick, you basically have to have a lot of money to make you better.  Or a job that offers an insurance plan that will make lots of money to make you feel better.  Since I don't have that, I am so grateful for my Eastern Medicine.  I swear by Bikram Yoga.  SWEAR BY IT.  If I miss classes, I feel like crapola, and odds are if I miss 4 in a row, I'm going to get sick.  I can wake up feeling lost, sad, and full of anxiety, but I head to my yoga studio and by the end, my head feels a little more clear, and I am much more capable of facing my day.

I don't know how long I will practice.  I'm only 3 months in, which is basically a blink... but I like to imagine that I can make this a life long practice.  One of my favorite sayings our instructors always spout during class:

If you can, you must.

So I guess I must.

Ouch.

I broke my heart yesterday.

That's right, folks.  I single handedly broke my very own heart.  How does one do this?  Answer: In my case it took reading two articles from the New York Times.  I'm temping this week for some extra cash with my favorite Hedge Fund/Finance Company/I'mNotSureWhatTheyDoButIKnowTheyHandleLOTSOfMoney, and this means hours sitting in front of a computer with little to do but answer phones every once in a while.  Which means spare time to get the things I need to do done.  Also, it used to mean hours of sitting on Facebook... but since the last time I worked here, they have blocked Facebook from the system.  Which has been good as it has made me much more productive.

However, I am very good at finding things to procrastinate.  Yesterday I discovered a series of articles from 2009 that the New York Times ran on modern love.  How my generation defines love.  And... it was heart breaking.

I live under a rock, I think.  I truly believe that my Prince Charming is out there.  He's just... lost.  I recently realized that I have been living my entire life waiting for Him.  I really thought that He would be here by now... I would truly think things like this:  "I'm not too worried that I don't have health insurance, because surely soon I'll be married and then I can join His plan."  Or:  "It's ok that I don't have a lot of savings--He does and He will be able to help me pay off my student loans."  SNAP OUT OF IT BRITT.  I realized that I was living my life waiting for HIM.  I'm almost 27 years old.  I can't live like that.  

And so yesterday, I broke my heart.  And a little piece of me gave up.  A little piece of me grew up a little bit more.  A little piece of me died.

And, if you are interested, here are the links to the two articles that did it:

Heart Breaker #1

Heart Breaker #2

Basically, one is written from the p.o.v. of a young woman who is having the same luck in the dating world as I am, and the other is written from the p.o.v. of a 21 year old guy.  And... his is the one that really broke my heart.  Because he basically says that boys don't want to settle down.  There are too many options.  They're always looking for the next best thing.

Ouch.

I don't really talk about dating with anyone except my close friends.  To be quite honest, I never even REALLY tried it until this year.  This year has been a series of unfortunate events in dating: there was the alcoholic personal trainer who told me I was a skinny fat girl, going to lose my looks in 5 years, and that I was decent looking; the "really sweet finance kid" who turned out to be a real idiot; the actor who stopped dating me when I became a vegetarian; and a series of other guys (an ex-government employee who lived in Japan for 2 years and now works in a sushi restaurant, an actor/magician, an ex-model/actor, another actor, and... a soap actor--is anyone else noticing a pattern here?)  who I suppose, according to the young woman's article, I dated... but... never more than 2 dates... and now if I see them... it's like we never dated at all... which I guess is... fine...

My older sister got married when she was 19.  I was 7.  I thought "Ok, I guess you get married at that age."  when I hit 19, I realized that I was NOT ready for marriage.  There was no way.  But maybe by my mid-20's.

My other older sister got married at 24.  I was 22.  I thought "No way.  No way do I want to get married any time soon.  I have too much I want to do. But maybe by the time I'm 26."

26 has come and almost gone.  And dating in this city is hard.  And a lot of the time, I'm really lonely.  And one by one my friends are getting married.  And yet... somehow I've maintained hope that he's out there somewhere.  Until yesterday.  Those evil articles made me realize that I'd better get used to the idea that it might just be lil old me for a while.  And so maybe I'd better go ahead and make a life for myself that I love... and maybe, if I'm lucky, one day when I'm happy just being me... He'll find me.

Oops...

Darnit. I started out SO WELL.

I just discovered this new layout... which I really enjoy. I can't change the colors/have my gadgets/anything pretty... but I still like it. Maybe they'll make it more customizable soon.

The good news is that the reason I've been so absent is I have been a whole lotta busy. Bulleted list to fill you in? Ok. If you insist.

• I successfully completed my 30 day Bikram Yoga challenge, and I truly feel amazing.
• I bought a new computer which will make my entire life so much easier.
• I am currently developing a web series with a new friend I met at an audition.
• I was cast in a new dark comedy which will run at the end of October.
• I completed my first season with The Actors Project NYC and had a very successful showcase. No, I still don't have an agent, but I was asked back for another season and am going to MAKE IT A PRIORITY and really put myself out there.
• I chopped my hair off.
  
• Since I chopped my hair off, I am getting new headshots done tomorrow with Peter Hurley.
• I am working on designing the logo for the new bar "Hair of the Dog" opening in December.
• I am still going to yoga almost every day.
• Still working at my damn bar...
• Designing a series of yoga shirts.
• My mother came to visit and we had an AMAZING TIME.
• Started a new 10 week monologue class at The Barrow Group Theatre Company.
• Sleeping when I get a chance... or if the following bullets don't distract me:
  
• Dating/making poor decisions about men(boys).
  
• ALLY MCBEAL IS STREAMING ON NETFLIX
• XFILES IS STREAMING ON NETFLIX
• The return of Modern Family, Parks and Rec, Community, How I Met Your Mother, 30 Rock, Dexter... etc.
  

So... I know everyone is busy, and I need to prioritize things a bit more. Like... maybe those last 4 bullets aren't so important...

I promise to pop in more often. I'm so bad at this... but I will try harder. Thanks for stopping in. Next post will be way more awesomer (grammar). And just so you feel reading this wasn't a complete waste of your time, enjoy this awesome article:

http://gizmodo.com/5843117/scientists-reconstruct-video-clips-from-brain-activity

Armageddon...?

Well, August wound down in a very dramatic fashion. I kinda feel like August had an identity crisis and thought it was March... coming in like a lamb and going out like a lion. Between the earthquake and the hurricane making headlines in NYC within a few days, I was certainly searching the skies for the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse.

Honestly... New Yorkers are SO dramatic. I mean... I'm pretty sure that New Yorkers believe that NYC is the center of the universe. No. Not pretty sure. 100% sure. So much so that a mere few hours after the earthquake happened (which was really just an aftershock of the earthquake that actually was in VA and caused actual damage there), there were already t-shirts for sale which read "I survived the NYC earthquake." Really? REALLY PEOPLE?

Then came Hurricane Irene. The entire situation reminded me SO MUCH of Katrina. The way the media was acting like we were all surely going to die, and the way the public was half concerned, but mostly just excited for the excuse to drink away the weekend. I must admit, I got a bit nervous. When things like this are being shown on television, it's hard not to:



I mean, 1 of 2 things could have happened. What occurs in the above mentioned video (worst case scenario) and what really happened. Honestly, I feel like NY has gotten a lot of flack for over reacting, what with evacuations and shutting down the entire MTA service for 2 whole days... but... having seen first hand the devastation of Katrina (in a city that was a little "laissez faire" about the whole thing)... I'm glad NYC was overly prepared. Because if it HAD been bad... well... lotsa people would have met a soggy end.

However... Irene actually did cause a lot of damage and death and devastation along her path... but just like the media focused on New Orleans after Katrina, NYC seemed to be the main focus of Irene. Maybe that's just because I live here, though. Was it like that in the rest of the country?

And now we come to a day that actually DOES involve NYC, and actually DOES deserve all of the media attention it garnered in the past and will continue to receive. It's September, and although September 11th is my beautiful sister's birthday, the 2 year anniversary of my moving to NYC, and the first day I'm allowed an alcoholic beverage after having given up the juice on August 9th... it's most importantly the 10 year anniversary of the tragic event we all refer to as "Nine Eleven". I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous. Every September 11 since that fateful day has been a little nerve wracking to the general population. But this year... the 10 year mark... I don't know... it's just a little scarier.

Do you think people felt this way in the years following Pearl Harbor on December 7th? I mean... these days I'm willing to bet that at least 1/2 of the US population doesn't even know anything significant happened on December 7th. In 50 years, will the US population feel that way about September 11th? Crazy to imagine.

However, I'd like to leave you on a little more positive note. Here's an article I found after googling "Come on Irene." You know the song "Come on Eileen"? Well, at my bar, the entire weekend of Hurricane Irene, "Come on Eileen" was mistakenly requested as "Come on Irene." It's an interesting little article which may help to explain why I hate talking on the phone so much, and yet enjoy Skype. Just l'arn somethin' new ever' day, y'all!