30 Before 30

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you do NOT put any grand expectations on any age.  Age is just a number.  I put a whole lot of pressure on the age 26.  That was my age.  I knew, at the age of 10, that by 26 I would SURELY have landed a husband, my dream job, and the perfect house with a perfect picket fence.  26 came and went with no husband, no dream job, and no perfect house.  Of course, I had little to no desire for a husband or a perfect house with a perfect picket fence.  And the dream job thing... well... I'm working on it.

SO--when I saw this post by a friend on Facebook entitled:  Turning 30:  30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know, I got real mad.  My inner monologue:

"Oh really?  EVERY woman should have these things and know these things??? What a broad generalization!  As if there isn't already ENOUGH pressure on me from society to stop being so bad at this "life" thing!  You can take your list and SHOVE IT."


And then I clicked on the link.  Of COURSE I clicked on the link.  I need SOMEONE to tell me what I'm supposed to be doing, so why not this list that the Huffington Post has deemed "WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW."

And then the list blew me away.  The list made me feel hopeful.  The list made me excited for 30.

Not that I'm putting pressure on 30.  (Ok... I'm probably putting pressure on 30.) But that I feel like I'm on track to be ok with myself when I do hit 30.  30 is a mere 2 years and 7 months away.  Buh.  I'm just going to disregard my disbelief in that and accept it, and move on to my point. (I'll get there eventually, I swear.)

I don't know if this is just today--if it's just because I'm full of hope because I mailed out my headshot, resume, and postcards for my upcoming showcase to a crap ton of agents, so the hope is lingering instead of being dashed into the ground by crushing silence on their part (which is far worse than straight out rejection)--but I hope not.  I regained a shred of hope the other day when I met with my accountability partner.  We hadn't met since March, and both of us were feeling really down in the dumps.  But after some espresso and goal setting for the week, we both left with a sunnier disposition.  I was able to face my survival job with a smile again, because I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.   I hit some twists and turns in the tunnel this past month that blocked my view, but I feel like... maybe it's there again?

And then... I have my yoga dreams to keep me going, as well.  If I do decide I can't pursue this acting thing anymore (mamma's not givin' up yet!), I know that I can open a yoga studio.  I feel less lost.

So the list.  Things that stood out on the list for me:

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.

I used to be such a goody two shoes. And that was good. But I'm glad I spent some time being a little more of a rebel... living life for the fun of it. Maybe it delayed by career a bit... but maybe not. And I think I'm a more well rounded person because of it. And I have memories to relish when I'm an old lady in her rocking chair. (Or maybe I'll be a rebel without a cause when I'm an old lady... who knows?!)  And now that I've started an IRA and am saving for when I am that crazy old lady... it makes me feel more secure in my life now.

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.

I have my yoga. I have my nutrition/eating plan. I use lotions and shiz. I fully expect my 30's to be a beautiful time.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

This phrasing made me feel so good: "A solid start..." It's ok that I'm still a little lost at sea. I truly feel like I'm on the brink of a break through. By the time I'm 30--I WILL be in charge.

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.

Ok. I'm well practiced at this one. I've lived alone 3 out of the 7 years of my 20's thus far.  I remember my first apartment I got with my best friend.  We decided to paint the living room pink--it actually was inspired by the Victoria's Secret shopping bag (or what it used to look like):  pink on pink.  Light pink with darker pink stripes.  Our logic was this was the only living room we were going to have as single ladies.  HA.  5 living rooms later... I'm still glad we had those pink stripes.


13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.


This is a lesson I've struggled with my whole life. Gotta learn not to take it personally.

15. Why they say life begins at 30 

I can't wait.

And the most important thing I need to take care of before February 10, 2015:

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.

Cause right now... those things are just in a sad state.

There's Such A Lot of World to See

The Girl in the Yellow Hat

Recap

Well, I've officially been back to life for almost 2 weeks, and it's been one crazy ride!  I've also been hiding from this blog and anything that's relevant to responsibility in my life... woops!

I thrust myself back into my survival job immediately.  After arriving at my apartment long enough to drop off my suitcases and freshen up, I headed straight to work.  I had a serious break down the last night I was in LA at the dinner table (I wonder how many breakdowns have occurred at that table over the years?) regarding my survival job.  I just... want some normalcy in my life.  That isn't a bar.  With 100s of drunk people.  And working until 4 in the morning and trying to lead a semi-normal day life as well.  I know that I'm blessed and many others work the exact same schedule, or worse.  But... I also know that it's slowly driving me bonkers, and I really don't have very far to go.

Then came the beating of the dead horse:  I got the news about my dear friend's taxi incident, my sister moved to Germany, and my wallet was stolen.  For one second I remember thinking, "Seriously, Universe?  Are you SERIOUS right now?  I feel like you're telling me to pack my bags and turn tail back home."  But then the Universe was like, "Now hang on a second, lil missy, I'm not done yet.  And let's be honest, you're being kinda dramatic.  You're gonna go work this really cool stand-in job on Survivor, you're going to get a work study offer at your yoga studio, and you're going to realize you have a lot of cool stuff in your life.  Also, this guy named Angel called to tell you he has your wallet. So snap out of it, already."

The Universe can get kinda sassy with me.  But usually I need it.

So, last weekend I worked as a stand-in on the Survivor: One World Reunion show.  Basically, the hour long live reunion show aired Sunday night, but NOTHING about reality or live tv is real or live... or at least, very little.  So we (the stand-ins) spent Friday and Saturday running the hour long reunion show over and over and over to get all the camera angles right, the set right, the lighting right, EVERYTHING RIGHT.  Sunday the actual cast came in and I met Jeff Probst.  We ran the show once with him interviewing us (pretending to be the actual survivors), and the actual cast watching so they could see what to do.  It was a super cool experience for me, as it was my first time on a tv set and my first Union job.  So we had super special badges that gave us access to the street that was closed off to everyone else, and there was a craft service table with free snacks and drinks.  To me... that's exciting.  And I know soon it will be something I take for granted... so... treasure the memory I suppose!  The best part was we were shooting on the David Letterman stage which is at the Ed Sullivan Theatre--so I was on the same stage that EVERYONE WHO'S ANYONE has been on.  And I can't wait for the next time I'm on it.  When David Letterman is interviewing me.  It's gotta happen, y'all.

With my "special access" pass

The next great thing was the owner of my yoga studio approached me about doing work study.  Work study means I work at the studio one day a week answering phones, doing laundry, cleaning mirrors, blah blah blah... and I get to study for free!  So that saves me $125 a month!

AND my Momma and I are plannin' a trip to Paris and Germany, to see my sister who will be at that point VERY PREGGERS.

So, nose back to the grindstone... or... whatever that saying is.  Time to get crackin'!

Which is so hard when the summer weather is calling my name.........

Let's Get Rich and Give Everybody Nice Presents and Teach Them How to Dance

I'll just let my rambling self speak for myself this once.

For More Ingrid Michaelson:  You and I

It's a Dangerous Business Going Out Your Door

"It's a dangerous business going out your door.  You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~J.R.R. Tolkein

I just got back from a wonderful trip to Louisiana.  You probably remember that I had some hesitations about going on this trip, and I was pretty accurate on all counts.  I didn't write as much as I wanted, I played my ukulele only one day, and I had a lot of anxiety surrounding my non-yogaing self.  But all that aside, it was a wonderful vacation, and I'm really glad that I let myself take time off from all of my work.  I spent some serious much needed time with loved ones, and I don't regret one second of it.

However, it made returning to New York and life here that much harder.  I have mentioned before that I absolutely love New Orleans and can totally see myself living there.  While sipping a malbec on the patio of Bacchanal Wine, surrounded by twinkling Christmas lights, a light Louisiana dewy humidity, and the sounds of live jazz music, I felt that I never wanted to leave.  I could see myself getting a little studio downtown, opening my own Bikram yoga studio that had a connected gluten/vegan cafe/juice shop... and partaking in the acting world in Louisiana.  I kept describing it as feeling as though I'm in love with two men.  I love them both so much and can see my life working out with either one, and I can also see it being painfully unsuccessful with both of them.  I have no grand illusions of leaving New York right now.  I have a lease through next February, and I have too much hard foundation work invested in my acting career to give up.  But it has made returning to the harshness of New York even harder than I imagined.

Not only this, but I got some truly awful news about a very dear friend when I got home from work last night (this morning).  She and I were super close last year.  We were both struggling with depression and anxiety, and we were both making poor life decisions.  We started going to church, joined a book club together, and overall just spent a lot of time helping each other cope.  Our lives began to heal, and our co-dependent relationship was no longer necessary.  We still saw each other every once in a while, but it wasn't the same.  When the new year began and she fell off my radar, I wasn't too concerned.  I'm aware that this happens in friendships, and I figured that she maybe felt she had outgrown me, and I didn't want to bother her.  So I just poked my head into her life every now and again, and tried not to be hurt when I didn't hear back from her.  But basically, I'm ashamed to say that I wrote her off.

I kept up with her via facebook and was shocked when I realized she had moved home to Indiana.  I didn't ask why but assumed that she had grown tired of New York.  (A feeling I can certainly sympathize with.)  I worried about her as I followed her facebook statuses, but I realized she was home with her family, so things couldn't be that bad.  Then last night she posted a blog she had begun, and I, of course, instantly clicked on it.  I was eager for an explanation as to why she had disappeared.

I was unprepared for what I read on her blog.   My beautiful, strong, funny, deeply spiritual, loving friend was raped in a New York City cab by, not one but, three men.  I know I'm writing a lot, but please take the time to read her story on her blog.  I can't possibly relate to you what happened as she can.

I know far too many women who have been touched by rape.  I truly feel it's important to share these experiences, because it makes us all more aware of how fragile this life can be.

Today was rough.  I was having trouble adjusting to being back in this huge, concrete jungle.  This city can be both the most wonderful, sunny, golden days of brunch and sangria wonderful loving friends... and also the harshest, grittiest, grey cold wind whipping in your eyes as strangers judge you and you feel tiny... place. So since I was already having my doubts about my life here and how much I'd rather be living in New Orleans, Louisiana where I could pop over to my parents for dinner once a week and be near some of my oldest friends and living a safe, secure life... well... her story sent me over the edge.

I haven't struggled with anxiety in quite some time.  But today it felt as if a huge weight was squashing my chest and making it difficult to breathe.  I was reminded of a Kyrgyz demon a friend once told me about.  He's this evil little guy who sits on your chest while you're sleeping and makes you have bad dreams and feel like you can't breathe.  But I wasn't sleeping and it unfortunately wasn't a dream.  I couldn't get the image of my beautiful friend being raped out of my head.

It's a dangerous world.  That same thing could happen to any one any where. New Orleans. Chicago.  St. Louis.  Timbuktu.  But it didn't happen in any of those places.  It happened to my friend.  Here.  In NYC.  20 blocks from where I live.  And it changed her life forever.

I realize I can't live in fear.  Bad things happen.  Bad people are out there.  But I can do something about it.  I'm going to try to get some of my girl friends together to take a self defense class (there is NOTHING she could have done to protect herself in her situation, unfortunately.  But I'd like to be as prepared as I can).  I'm going to take note of the driver's names that are posted in EVERY cab I get in.  I'm only going to pay for cabs with my credit card.  And I'm going to pray.  A lot.  For my friend.  For every woman out there in a dangerous situation.  For every man out there in a dangerous situation.  And I'm just going to try to spread the awareness.  Starting here.  Because I love you, whoever you are reading this.

"In the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow.  Even darkness must pass.  A new day will come.  And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer...  there's some good in the world, and it's worth fighting for." J.R.R. Tolkein

She and I four years ago in a production of
"Les Mis" at the Barn Theatre in Michigan.
Love her.

Namaste Y'all

I love Louisiana.  I do.  It's just filled with the nicest people, and it's so warm and beautiful and HAPPY!

I got in yesterday evening and the first thing I did, after my friend Brittany picked me up from the airport, was stop for a drive through daiquiri.  It's a novelty that you can't find outside of Louisiana.  Even just finding a daiquiri is hard in New York... so, it's always one of my favorite parts of getting to the city.  (I never really loved daiquiris until I could no longer have them... I guess it's a sort of "the grass is always greener" thing). Daiquiris in hand, we then stopped by her house to settle in and hang with her boyfriend (who is also lead guitar in their BAND which I will tell you more about in a bit.)  Since all I'd eaten since 9 am was some popcorn chips on the plane, my tummy started to grumble, so we headed out to the Bywater for some delicious wine and food at this adorable outdoor eatery called Bacchanal.  The menu changes weekly according to whoever their guest chef is, you purchase a bottle of wine from their huge wine shop, and then you eat outside where a live jazz band serenades you.  It was like being inside a southern fairy tale as the patio was strung with colored Christmas lights, and the tables were lit with huge anti-mosquito torches (which did very little to keep the June bugs away).

This morning, we woke up early and headed to Brittany's first ever Bikram yoga class!  It was my first time to do yoga outside of my studio, and Brittany was so brave and faced her first class with strength and determination that was truly admirable.  I was so proud of her!  She did most every posture and loved the class.  The teacher was great--she sounded just like Annie Pots--and I LOVED the change in atmosphere.  It was like a whole different class.  Now I can't wait to travel all of the world doing Bikram in different studios.  New goal!

We grabbed Greek food for lunch afterwards, which was delightful, and it was within walking distance of Britt's house.  Today has been a true re-introduction to Louisiana weather.  When we headed out for yoga, it was cloudy and threatening rain--during yoga it must have rained, and then afterwards, the sun was shining brightly.  By the time we headed out for Greek, it was raining again--a light, beautiful Spring rain--and then while we ate it was pouring and I heard some great Louisiana thunder; one of my very favorite things (Britt said it may have been a train, but I decided it was most definitely thunder.)

Humidity.  Oh, Louisiana, the only place where my stick straight hair gets all wavy and in disarray.  Where you can feel the air going in your nose and down your windpipe.  If you're thirsty, just open wide and swallow some air!  I'm so happy to be back.  Sometimes it's tempting enough to stay permanently...

But now, let me bring you this week's ukulele video--my favorite thus far, as I get to share it with my Britt Britt (here's the link to her band's facebook page I mention in the video: https://www.facebook.com/jigcity)

CONGRATULATIONS, KATHRYN!!!  Can't wait for the wedding on Saturday and all of the festivities that will surround this special day.